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Carolyn Hax: How to resist the burn of a caustic sense of humor?

The family tradition of merciless teasing isn't playing well with friends. Can this letter writer break a sarcasm habit?

By Carolyn Hax | 2024-04-04

(Nick Galifianakis/For The Washington Post)

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My family is loving, but they tease one another a lot. We're all expected to have a sharp sense of humor. You have to be able to dish it out and take it. Because I was raised in this atmosphere, I can come up with jokes on the fly, and I love to make people laugh.

Recently, a friend told me that my humor is nothing but zingers, and that some people are afraid to tell me things because they know I'll tease them about it. I feel awful about this, and now I'm trying to ensure that my sense of humor isn't solely based on making fun of others.

I realize I do to other people what my family does to me. I'm a freelance artist, but most of my money comes from commissions from people in various fandoms. I never let my family know this anymore, because one time my dad saw my art and he just had a ball with it. He made fun of it and me, even when I said I put my heart into it and the client was really happy. The family still brings it up when I say I have a new project. They're not trying to be mean; they're teasing me in good fun, not expecting me to take it to heart, but I do.

It's awful to find out that I've been doing this same thing to other people. I don't want to be the sarcastic, cutting [glass bowl] anymore, but it's hard to break the habit. Are there any good strategies for being more self-aware in the moment? Most of the time, the words are out of my mouth before I realize it.

-- Zinger

Zinger: One of the most effective behavior changers, when you can't catch the behavior before it happens, is to catch it immediately after: "Oh -- I'm sorry I said that. It's a bad habit I'm trying to break. I am actually ..." (happy for you/impressed by your work/envious of your situation/sorry you're going through that). Basically, have the do-over as soon as the need for one occurs to you. In the moment in front of everyone is ideal, though an hour/day/week later is still better than nothing.

This throws you into the work of changing -- more effective than just deciding, "I want to change." Plus, it shows your friends you care about them, know you're a [glass bowl] sometimes and have the guts to do your self-renovation out in the open.

I see you, by the way. Oof.

Re: Sarcasm: As a sarcastic person, I believe in the 7-to-1 rule: For every zinger or ribbing-type quip, there should be seven genuine remarks or compliments. When it's all zingers all the time, people might think you're really not joking at all.

-- Anonymous

Anonymous: Right. Or that you're so thin-skinned, you need defenses so high they block out the sun.

Other readers' thoughts:

* Teasing and taunting are not loving behaviors. They're distancing, menacing and unkind behaviors. You already recognize you can't share a precious part of yourself with your family because of this. Recognizing how hurtful this has been to others is a big step, not just for breaking the habit, but also for acknowledging how hurtful this has been to you.

* Chop-busting only works among people who accept and respect the things that someone deems sensitive and off-limits. People who are not doing that are NOT doing it "all in good fun," and it might be worth taking another look at how your family interacts in other ways.


This article was downloaded by calibre from https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/04/04/carolyn-hax-family-teasing-hurts/


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